i've not blogged in a long while.
it's not that i have nothing anything to say.
but rather, perhaps, i haven't had the courage to say
what has been on my mind and in my heart.
my wedding band is missing a diamond.
it looks like a ring that lost its first tooth. except not cute.
it discourages me to look at it. now it needs to be fixed.
i don't know when the diamond fell out,
or where it fell out.
one night i was taking a bath and happened to look at my ring, and
there it was...
a big hole.
right now life feels like that to me.
bling gone missing.
it's not a permanent thing. i know this.
diamonds can be replaced. things right themselves, and often make sense after a while.
but it still brings a sense of discouragement to see the hole...for now.
i'm just leary to make that statement because people feel like they have to add happy words
to make everything better.
why are people so uneasy with themselves, and/or others feeling the pain of life?
it's like if we claim victory, or put on a smile, we can convince ourselves, and/or others
that the pain isn't real. or that we're so strong, so as to be unaffected.
it's not true.
it's actually the strong who allow themselves to feel.
to allow the truth to be known,
my life is not always great.
but that's not because my husband and i argue constantly,
or because the kids don't obey,
or because the house looks as if a bomb just exploded...
(but just to keep things real...
sometimes clint and i do argue.
lots of the time my kids do not obey.
my bathroom gets shockingly disgusting in between cleanings.)
it's because life is life. earth. not heaven.
a spirit longing for Jesus. and Heaven.
sometimes the ache is greater than other times.
sometimes the body, heart, and spirit grow weary.
that's not weakness. it's reality.
there is a song i really like right now,
and a phrase in it says,
"i wanna soar with You on wings like eagles,
but i'll crawl with You too."
who are we to say that we will only soar?
sometimes, most times, the guts of it...real life...
it takes some crawling.
but God is still God in the muck and poo (as i say).
in the message, the familiar jer. 29 scripture says this:
"when you come looking for me, you'll find me.
yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed.
I'll turn things around for you.
I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you.
bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile.
you can count on it."
i feel rather exiled right now.
not sure where i'm headed.
not sure what's next.
but God says i can count on Him fixing things. making things right.
taking me home.
so i will hold fast to my convictions that wearing a mask is a lie.
a plastic smile is far less beautiful to me than a face pinched in pain,
or distorted in anger.
a smile is a thing of beauty.
but only if it is genuine.
today i wanted to buy these great earrings that were big and bronze.
i loved them.
but i am going to speak this saturday eve at a mother daughter banquet.
75 strangers.
and if i were to have bought the big bronze earrings that i admired,
they would have been a mask for me to hide behind.
they would have made a statement that i am feeling bold and confident.
but the truth is,
i feel tired. and broken. small.
so i did not buy the earrings.
maybe another time. if they are still there.
a time when i'll be able to wear them in freedom and truth.
masks are everywhere. in abundance.
we're milling about in exile, wearing plasitc smiles.
who's buying this??
i am not a negitive person by nature.
in fact, i am in the glass is half full camp.
i believe in the good things of life.
hope.
faith.
love.
but real is real.
and in the midst of faith, and hope, and love,
as long as we are on earth,
we will wrestle and struggle with things.
i'm holding on to the promise.
and choosing to be real while i wait.
what is real?
the diamond on my wedding band is still missing.
my daughter got in trouble at school for making farting noises in class.
and i'm just gonna say it...
I AM SICK AND TIRED OF RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(feels good to say that!) smile.
but...
my ring will be fixed in time.
cassie will grow up and (hopefully) not make farting noises anymore.
and the sun is always around the corner.
onward.
sometime slowly.
but onward, never the less!
truth! real!
or bust!
~a
