tired of less...

i'm tired.
not the kind of tired that means i need to go to bed,
although i'm that kind of tired too.
the kind of tired i'm referring to is the second definition found in the dictionary behind the word tired.

tired adj 1. feeling that you need to sleep or rest
2. be tired of have had enough of something and feel impatient or bored with it

i am tired of sameness.
i am tired of expectations and mindsets.
i am tired of being put in a box.
tired of being misunderstood.
i am tired.
tired.
so, so much of what i see around me makes me tired.

i want more.
i've always been the kind of girl who wanted more.
i still do.
not more stuff.
just more.
fullness.
like, all there is to be had.
why settle for less than what can be had or experienced?

more adj 1.  greater in amount  
adv 1. to a greater extent

more>addition, extra, further, added, increased, fresh, supplementary, other   (an opposite is less)

abram left everything he knew and had,
for the promise of more.
not because he wanted more stuff,
but he wanted more.
more of God.
promise.

"God told abram,
'leave your country,
your family,
and your father's home
for a land that i will show you.
i'll make you a great nation
and bless you...'

and abram's response?
"so abram left just as God said."

the offer still stands.
the promise is still there.
leave it all.
ALL.
go to a strange new land.
i will be there.
and i will bless you.

a friend just told me the other day about a speaker at their church who said that there is a generation rising up who wants raw God.  not the processed God. 

i've thought a lot about that. 
raw God.
God.
the real Him.

there came a day when i could not be content with the God that was presented to me.
i had to know.  for me.  who was God? raw God?

to find raw God,
i left everything i thought i knew about God,
everything that was comfortable and familiar to me...
left it all...
to find God.
because i knew,  deep within me, that i wanted God more than anything else.

and i feel like abram must have felt.
the land is strange, and new.
unfamiliar in many ways.
nothing to lead the way but a promise.
a promise of more.

i am tired of this mindset,
this busy"ness" i see around me,
of believers trying to earn God's favor.
earn rank.
earn love.
earn blessing.
it's death to my spirit.
it really is.
and it makes me Oh so tired!

a few months ago,
i felt God say to me, in my spirit,
"you are here, in this place, for a very specific
purpose.  i have a plan here."

but what followed, is the part i struggle to remember.
"you do not have to go looking for the purpose.
you do not have to do anything special to make it happen.
just by you being here, my purpose will be accomplished.
so be yourself.  show up. and watch me work."

it's a strange and a new land.
i'm showing up.
and i'm watching God work.
but every now and then,
i remember only the first part of the promise...
that there is a plan...
and i start to look for it, and try to help God accomplish it.
and i get tired.
so tired.

but then God reminds me, so gently,
again, and again, and then again...
that all i have to do is show up.
and He'll take care of the rest.

so this is me,
showing up.
watching.
waiting.
expecting.
more.

God is a God of more.
i'm so tired of less.
less will never be good enough for me,
now that i've tasted more.

officially a blogger!

it was time.
time to have somewhere to go with all these words, thoughts, observations,
and yes, even feelings.

life is just full to overflowing with things to think about and discuss.
to process and to apply. 
to experience, and certainly to share.  although...
not everyone wishes to share in the sharing.
which is, of course, the beauty of a blog.
people read if they wish. 
no obligations here.
this is not like a miserable conversation one wishes to get out of but can not.
here, in blog land, there is the freedom to stay as long as one likes, and to quietly excuse oneself as one wishes!  how delightful for all parties.
here i may write and share as i wish, and fancy that my readers are as enraptured as i.  when, quite possibly, they are not. 
but i'll never know that. 
so happily i will write. 
and you may visit as often as you like, and stay as long as you like,
and there will be ease all around. 

i am excited to blog about the movie i watched yesterday entitled
grey gardens. 
absolutely fascinating on so many levels!
if you've not seen it, you must. 
no.
you should. 
no.
watch it if you like.
but...i highly recomment it!

it's the story of a mother and a daughter.
the cousin and aunt of jackie kennedy.
a story of love, yet not.
because true love does not hinder.
and in this story, the "love" between these two women hinder one another in a way that is tragic. 

love: verb 1. care for, feel deeply for, adore,
cherish, hold dear, treasure 2. like, like very much,
enjoy, take pleasure in, appreciate, desire
 hinder: verb 1. get in someone's way, or make things
difficult for them
(opposite of hinder is facilitate)

here i will interject a few things about myself that may have already become evident.
first of all...
i am a lover of words.
i. love. words.
i love to learn new words, but also to just use lots of descriptive words that already exist in my vocabulary...to tell a story or express a thought in completely my own way.  because I alone, get to choose which words i will use.  and how i will arrange them. 
i write by my own rules.
long sentences that are too long.
and sometimes little short sentences which are not sentences at all.
but i like them.

secondly,
i am a terrible, terrible speller.
but, it does not keep me from writing. 
so.  i deal with it. 
you'll have too.
if you come across words in my blog that are not spelled correctly,
sound them out. 
(confession: i get very cross with the spell check on my computer.  it just comes across as so arrogant.  like, if it could talk, it would say, "oooo, check me out!! i know how to spell everything!! unlike you, who is a total spelling looser!"
what really ticks me off is when my spell check acts like it can't even recognize the word i'm trying to spell!  now come on!
i might have a few letters off, or use an e where i should use an a.  but to act like the word is not even recognizable is just obnoxious! )
i must move on.
i fear i am about to loose you.

so getting back to grey gardens...
it just has me thinking about relationships and love,
and the absence of true love.  in a pure form.
if love is pure, and real,
it will never, ever, hinder the subject.
right?

there is such a thing as protection.
we can offer protection to someone we love...
but more often than not, 
what we would like to think of as protection is actually our fear of letting someone go...
letting them be them.  apart from us.

big edie, in the movie, was the mother.
she hindered little edie from ever amounting to anything.
she hindered her from following her dreams and her heart.
all in the polluted form of "love."
tragic! selfish!
and yet, can the mother fully be blamed?
i don't think so.
because at some point, little edie had a choice to make.
was she going to continue to be manipulated and controlled by her mother?
or was she going to be intentional about becoming herself?

we would like to think that people hold us back.
but that is not so.
we hold ourselves back.
at the end of the day,
we decide.
to blame another, although they may have made things difficult for us,
is to be a coward.

love will not hinder.
ever.

i do not want to hinder the people i love.
i want to love them enough to release them.
to celebrate them.  apart from me.
but that means i have to know who "me" is apart from everyone i love.