tired of less...

i'm tired.
not the kind of tired that means i need to go to bed,
although i'm that kind of tired too.
the kind of tired i'm referring to is the second definition found in the dictionary behind the word tired.

tired adj 1. feeling that you need to sleep or rest
2. be tired of have had enough of something and feel impatient or bored with it

i am tired of sameness.
i am tired of expectations and mindsets.
i am tired of being put in a box.
tired of being misunderstood.
i am tired.
tired.
so, so much of what i see around me makes me tired.

i want more.
i've always been the kind of girl who wanted more.
i still do.
not more stuff.
just more.
fullness.
like, all there is to be had.
why settle for less than what can be had or experienced?

more adj 1.  greater in amount  
adv 1. to a greater extent

more>addition, extra, further, added, increased, fresh, supplementary, other   (an opposite is less)

abram left everything he knew and had,
for the promise of more.
not because he wanted more stuff,
but he wanted more.
more of God.
promise.

"God told abram,
'leave your country,
your family,
and your father's home
for a land that i will show you.
i'll make you a great nation
and bless you...'

and abram's response?
"so abram left just as God said."

the offer still stands.
the promise is still there.
leave it all.
ALL.
go to a strange new land.
i will be there.
and i will bless you.

a friend just told me the other day about a speaker at their church who said that there is a generation rising up who wants raw God.  not the processed God. 

i've thought a lot about that. 
raw God.
God.
the real Him.

there came a day when i could not be content with the God that was presented to me.
i had to know.  for me.  who was God? raw God?

to find raw God,
i left everything i thought i knew about God,
everything that was comfortable and familiar to me...
left it all...
to find God.
because i knew,  deep within me, that i wanted God more than anything else.

and i feel like abram must have felt.
the land is strange, and new.
unfamiliar in many ways.
nothing to lead the way but a promise.
a promise of more.

i am tired of this mindset,
this busy"ness" i see around me,
of believers trying to earn God's favor.
earn rank.
earn love.
earn blessing.
it's death to my spirit.
it really is.
and it makes me Oh so tired!

a few months ago,
i felt God say to me, in my spirit,
"you are here, in this place, for a very specific
purpose.  i have a plan here."

but what followed, is the part i struggle to remember.
"you do not have to go looking for the purpose.
you do not have to do anything special to make it happen.
just by you being here, my purpose will be accomplished.
so be yourself.  show up. and watch me work."

it's a strange and a new land.
i'm showing up.
and i'm watching God work.
but every now and then,
i remember only the first part of the promise...
that there is a plan...
and i start to look for it, and try to help God accomplish it.
and i get tired.
so tired.

but then God reminds me, so gently,
again, and again, and then again...
that all i have to do is show up.
and He'll take care of the rest.

so this is me,
showing up.
watching.
waiting.
expecting.
more.

God is a God of more.
i'm so tired of less.
less will never be good enough for me,
now that i've tasted more.