it's hard to believe the last blog i posted was july 15th.
this thing called time.
moving at exactly the same speed always,
and yet all these moments in between where time seems to stand still,
or when it seems to speed up, and you feel as if you are holding on for dear life.
there are times when life seems so SAME.
for so long.
but for me,
i look at the growing bodies of my children,
or the fact that here and there, grey hairs are popping up in my dark brown,
and i know for sure and for certain,
that while life seems same,
it is not.
and i make extra effort to SEE and LIVE,
to soak in the details.
at any given moment,
i am pondering many things.
it's part of the way i'm wired.
(i hit post before i was ready to post. hence the reposting of the above.)
i have been pondering the real.
what does it mean to live in the real?
admitting and acknowledging that pain exists in our lives and hearts.
that longings are there, no matter if we allow them to have a voice or not.
but at the same time,
not getting wrapped up in me.
doesn't integrity demand realness?
but doesn't our choice to be in Christ also demand something?
so then my sister gave me a book for my birthday.
it's called one thousand gifts. (by ann voskamp)
for in this book she addresses this very issue.
this acknowledgement of the longings. the pain.
but also the choice to believe in God's goodness, and receive His
gifts even as we live and feel what each moment brings.
there is an inner shift happening.
i can feel it.
and it brings peace.
in the last few weeks, i've had the deep honor
of talking real with my sisters in Christ.
these fellow daughters of the Father, who are living the real.
these beautiful women who have entrusted me with their tears.
with their real.
and as i see there tears,
and listen to their hearts,
my own heart responds and i say "yes. yes! this IS what i believe in."
and i am blessed deeply to be allowed in as their hearts feel and seek and live.
and i thank God for the gift of these women.
for their trust.
for their tears.
their commitment to live.
and i am also reminded (even in my own heart and life)
how the emeny works even harder to whisper doubts and lies.
to keep us from the real.
and if we do not listen to his whispers, he screams.
and we work that much harder to not listen.
to counter his lies with HIS truth.
you know those questions that we ask God.
what am i here for?
what IS my purpose?
what would you have for me?
do i have a calling?
i've asked. many times.
even when He's told me. many times.
i still ask, because there are times i am afraid to believe what He's told me.
and i think surely i've misunderstood.
but He has told me many times that my calling is to exhort the believers.
can i have the courage to exhort? to believe? to be real?!
i've talked to other sisters in Christ recently.
i've listened to them, and their words,
and my own heart responded.
i hear this desire,
this common desire,
"i do not want to be held back any longer.
the pain of being held back,
of holding myself back,
is too great.
i want to be free. to live with abandon. to run!"
something amazing is happening in the hearts of the daughters of the Father.
and i rejoice!
and i wait and expect!
and i thank God for the gift of each heart and each tear.
the birthing period.
the agony of labor
for the hope of bringing new life!
deeper, fuller life.
it is such a good thing.
press in dearest sisters.
cry the tears.
feel the depth of the process.
and allow it to happen!
life is a result!
do not be afraid!
our Father says we do not need to be afraid.
and he is a rewarder for those who diligently seek Him.
your reward will be great.