blind either way

today is a writing day.
not all days are, you see.
well, at least not for me.
i am a girl who writes as i see, feel, and understand life around me.  for me to sit and write simply because i haven't updated my blog in a while, would be a big old post waiting to fall flat on its face.  it would be empty.  only words.  and i love words, but not when they are JUST words.  way too many people write and speak using ONLY words.  give me some heart people!!

anyway, i am happy to be back.
i found a bag of whole bean duncan doughnuts coffee in my stocking on christmas morning.  it has since been ground, and i am enjoying a cup as we "speak."  perhaps you might like to pause in your reading for a moment, and prepare a cup of coffee or tea for yourself, and we can fancy enjoying it together.  me here, and you wherever you may be.  there are no rules that say you must be sitting at the same table to enjoy coffee and a "chat" together. (smile)

today i looked for several words in my dictionary (because as stated before, i am a terrible speller) only to find that none of the words i was looking for were in my dictionary.  and no.  i'm not that smart.  my dictionary is just that small.  i guess.  so now...i have no choice but to go out to ...wherever,
(oh who am i kidding...i'll go to borders.  i have such a thing for borders.)
and purchase a more complete dictionary.  my dictionary must have the words i need, or it is, of course, of no great value to me.
or to you.
because let's face it...
you are the people trying to read my post. (smile)

so if all my blog readers had to pay a fee of $1.00 to read a post, i'd soon have myself a small stash in which to purchase above mentioned dictionary.  however, since i do not charge my readers, i shall have to come up with another way to earn my stash.  perhaps the good old fashioned way of tips.
yes. 
i get tips at the coffee shop.  some days more than others. 
i have a customer turned friend, who is a handsome tipper.
(not sure if tipper is a word...but you get my drift)
and by handsome, i mean he tips generously.
(that he IS actually handsome is besides the point.)  ;)
anyway, the other day he was at the shop, and we were chatting while i made his green tea with ginger.  when he put a dollar bill in the tip jar, i took it out and handed it back and said,
"you don't have to tip me anymore.  we're friends now." 
i am SO taking that back!!
the next time he comes to the shop on my shift, i will be forced to say,
(in light of my pressing dictionary need)
"hey.  remember when you used to tip me?  what say we go back to those good old days?!"
if he would read my blog, it would just be so much less awkward. (smile and a chuckle.)
no, really. he won't mind.  he thinks tipping is cool.
words straight from his mouth.  no joke.

and now, just in case you are about to dispair that my post will contain anything that really matters...
(although i do, for the record, think lightness and fun are food for the soul)
i shall move on.  on to things of the heart.

this past year has been a year of intense introspection for me.

introspection (n.) 1. self examination:
the detailed mental examination of your own
feelings, thoughts, and motives

introspection can be a beautiful thing.
and by beautiful,
i do not mean pain free.

God called me into a time of introspection.  i really believe that.  a time to look closely, deeply, and intentionally,
at the things buried in my heart and soul.

who am i?  and why?
what am i afraid of?  and why?
how are my fears holding me captive?
how can i be free? 
truely free?

(freedom comes at a high price.  but true freedom is priceless!!  does that make sense?  in my mind it does.)

there were some fractures in my heart.
oh nothing that i couldn't hide from the rest of the world...
but fractures i knew exisited.
and how did i know?
because every now and again, i would encounter something that would
put a strain on the fractures, and i would double over in pain. 
and just like a real fracture, if you tend to it, maybe wrap an ace bandage around it for a while,
treat it carefully...
it seems like it healed.  for the most part, at least.
but then,
one day, without warning...you forget to protect your weak area...and
OOhhhh...the pain!!

i didn't want that to happen to me anymore.
i knew that God created me to be limitless. 
to soar.
to be...
well...
(dare i say it?  dare i risk it even though some of you will be tempted to shake your head and click your tongue, and say, that girl is proud!)
A.MAZING!
there.  i said it.
i was created to be amazing!!  (and i am smiling!!)
(so were you, btw.)

so began a journey. the most painful i've ever been on...
looking deeply into my heart and facing the things that were broken and hurting.
the things i hid with a smile.

no more hiding.

introspection is hard, hard work.
rather, dealing with what you find, through introspection, is hard work.  and not for the faint of heart.
but to me it was worth it.
to know i had not left any rocks unturned.
to know i was no longer running from fear, but looking it in the face and saying,
somehow, somehow...through the power of Jesus Christ in me, i will face this, and i will over come this!

and so, for months and months i looked inward and pondered over what i had found.
and it was good.  good to know and understand myself more fully.
good to find out what i'd been hiding from myself and others.

and then, as this year came to an end, and a new one began,
i felt God calling me to turn from my introspection, and look around me again.
i felt Him calling me to SEE the world.
with new eyes.
and it was a welcome invitation!

see (v) 1. perceive with the eyes  2. meet or visit somebody
3. understand  4. imagine  5. consider  6. make sure  7. discover

not that i had ever completely stopped looking around me,
but it is a challange, during intense introspection, not to get stuck inside of oneself.
introspection is only helpful if it propells (one l or two?  i'm sure i do not know!)
us forward.  otherwise, isn't it just a waste of time and energy? 
the entire time i was exposing the dark places within me,
i knew i was doing it for more than myself.
i knew that if i mustered up the courage to heal,
many would benefit.
it's just the way it goes.

and feeling myself become stronger and more assured of who i was/am...
my heart responded to the calling of God to SEE.

is there a greater gift to be given to someone apart from actually seeing them?
no matter who we are,
we long to be seen.
and by seen,
i mean perceived not only with the eyes, but with the heart and spirit as well.
to see someone fully means to embrace who they are.  recognize them. 
when we perceive others with our hearts, we love.
when we perceive them with our spirit, we understand.  we give grace.

there are a few people in my life who really see me.
they "get" me.  they do not get hung up on my mistakes because they know my heart,
and have chosen to believe in the goodness of my heart and intentions.
and when i need perspective,
and someone to listen...
you better believe, i reach out to those few who see me.
there is no judgement.  no harshness.  just grace.  and love.  because they see.
they make a choice to see me.  and my heart loves them fiercely because of it!

just last night,
i was talking to a girl who was expressing such a deep frustration, which was in actuality, pain,
because she had moved here from out of state, and the people here did not "get" her.
she expressed sadness and loneliness.  grief.
because she was not being seen.
and my heart ached for her.
so i saw her.
and i know it gave her courage to keep being herself.
being seen gives us courage, you know.
i really believe that.
the need to be seen goes oh so deep.
and it is a need that everyone, no matter the what gender or race,
shares.

seeing.
what a beautiful opportunity.

introspection.
what a beautiful opportunity.

but choosing one without the other,
leave us blind.

if we are running from what is inside of us,
we are blindly "seeing" the world.
and if we are consumed with what is inside of us,
we are blindly "seeing" the world.

the two together, create beauty and opportunity.

may we always have the courage to face what lies inside.
but may be never, ever forget to see those around us.

until next time then,
i leave you with a smile.
the real kind.
the kind that are not hiding anything,
but come straight from the heart!
with a sparkle in the eyes for good measure!

~ann aka annie